Eggshells and first steps

It's hard to not be on eggshells when you're living with someone that's a narcissist. Their mind changes on a daily whim. Example why are you saving those we don't need to save those he says. 2 days later why are you throwing those away do you know how expensive those are he says. Between that and everything always having to be their way when they want it how they want it. So it never fails when I'm in the middle of doing something, usually reading or something that takes my brain power. Any person can see I'm in the middle of something, so every time like clockwork that's when he decides to talk to me about a football play or to show me a stupid picture on his YouTube page, things that he knows because I told him I do not care about nor do I wish to fill my brain up with such stupid shit. I only have so much space in my brain I'm not using it for trivial things. And I should be able to be interested in whatever I want, not only because he wants me to be. Everybody should be entitled to their own wants needs beliefs dreams and opinions. When all of those things start being controlled by what somebody else wants for you, you're no longer living your life. You're living your life for someone else or the way someone else wants you to, that is not living. I spent so much time and so many years sticking up,  lying, and covering for him.  Turning myself into something I'm not for him. Waiting on him hand and foot, giving up relationships and time with friends and family because of him. Never having money or access to money and having to beg for basic needs.  Learning coping mechanisms for ways to deal with his constant anger. Self-diagnosing and self-medicating, and feeling alone with no one left to reach out to. All these things have led to so much resentment, and downright hatred it's hard to even sit in the same room with the person. So after 13 plus years of not being able to have a job, I put my foot down and got a job. Due to not working for so long I had a really hard time finding anybody to hire me, my ex sister-in-law works at Wendy's and she was able to get me a job there. It's something and you got to start somewhere. I don't mind starting back down at the bottom because I know I won't be there long. This is just the start of my journey as I learn to get back on my own two feet, gain independence and hopefully learn to love myself again. I know this is going to be a long journey but I also know that no one can do this for me. My biggest fear is just ending up homeless. 

   I'm writing this blog about my journey in hopes to help other women who might be in the same situation that I am and use my struggle as courage to get out of whatever toxic situation. Ultimately I'd like to make it easier for women in these situations to get out of these situations. If I would have had more support or more resources I wouldn't have been forced to stay as long as I stayed. But then again I always came up with a reason.  If you or someone you know needs immediate help or are in danger you can contact the national Domestic Violence hotline 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233 or text STOP to 88788. There is always someone there that can help!